Married Life

It has been more than 3 mths since I blogged.. and it is not because I am happy with my new life.. it is more like I do not have my own space anymore..

Being married is like sharing everything with another person.. your time, your life, your space and your being. You are no longer one person.. you are joint to another person. You can't make decisions on your own, you have to consult another person.

Even spending a weekend together need to be discussed... it is really a huge adjustment for me. I am a rather independent person and now it seems like I no longer have my freedom. They say first year of married life is the honeymoon period. For me, it is more like the honey trap period. U r trapped in a sticky sweet life. Trapped because marriage is binding. Sticky because both of us spend a lot of time together. Sweet because he is sweet to me.

And I miss my previous lifestyle.. the way how I can just go out late at nite for a coffee with frens.. of how I can sleep late during weekends.. of how I can spurgle in a dress or top.. of how I can hop on a plane and fly to some neighbouring country for a break.. I cant do it now.. Even maintaining a blog is difficult..

How are you? Did u ever think of me?

First Love

You will always be my first love. No matter wat it is now, no matter how we are in the future, I will always remember the love we had at the start. It might not be perfect but we were happy. I am lost now.. I cant tell you how I feel as it will hurt u.. this has caused a breach in our communication unknowingly beacuse u sensed the withdrawal from me. How I wish nothing had happen.. we might still be as we are at the start..

First Love by Utada Hikaru
english translation:

the last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell

tomorrow, at this time
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?

you are always gonna be my love
even if i fall in love with someone once again
i'll remember to hold onyou taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until i can sing a new song

the paused time is
about to start moving
there's many things that i don't want to forget about

tomorrow, at this time
i will probably be crying
i will probably be thinking about you

you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
i hope that i have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until i can sing a new song

you are always gonna be my love
even if i fall in love with someone once again
i'll remember to hold on
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
now and forever...

Marriage Preparation

We are in the midst of preparing for the marriage.. he is preparing for it happily, I am preparing for it like I am happy. I ought to be happy as it is a once in a lifetime thing. I have to be happy because it is my choice, my decision. I must be happy because I do not want to spoil this for him.

The date has been set and both our parents know about it. Our closest frens knew about it too. Most gave us their blessings but my best fren scolded me. She knows about wat is going on and she is furious that I am throwing my life away. She said I am still young and there are still lots of good guys out there. And wat's more I am not even sure of my own sexuality and here I am.. tying myself to a guy.. and not even one that I have a lot of feelings for.

She said it is a convenience for me.. to be with him as we have been together for so long. But convenience is not love. How long can I be with him? Until I fall in love with someone else. Then I will have to get rid of this convenience. I told her that i will seclude myself and protect my heart from getting into tat kind of situation. I wont socialise much, I wont allow myself to be vulnerable and I wont open my heart to anyone else. That way, I can live with him and be his dutiful wife.

What's the point? The person I love is not with me. What I have is a person that love me. I can live with tat.

Dreaming of you

I had a dream of you last nite. We were out together just like old times. It was late at night in my dream and we were walking under a void deck. There was no one about and it was quiet and intimate. And in the next moment, I was against one of the wall and we were kissing. It was not a forceful kiss, it was not a demanding kiss, it was not a rough kiss. It was a gentle kiss, it was a kiss that says "I miss you", it was a kiss that spoke of our special relationship, it was a kiss that made me fall a little bit more in love with you.

After that I woke up, I had a mad impulse to msg you and tell you that I miss you. But I know you would not reply as we are no longer together and you might be in her arms. I so very much want that to be a reality and it just seems so real and I want to be with you again just like last time. But it wont be like before. Once the moment is over, it cannot be brought back. Both of us has changed and the intimacy is lost.

How is it that you can leave me after we had shared so much? How come you can be so callous as to sit back and watch me walk away with my heart in your hands? We had embraced, kissed, touched and made love. How can you bear to let me go? You told me last time that what we had were special. Is it a lie? If yes, then why did you let me fall so hard? If no, then why are we lost to each other now?

Father's Disapproval

Told my dad about the ROM.. he did not approve. He started saying things like how we should wait and that we should have more savings then we get married.

I sent my bf down and he told me we should not go ahead but stubborn me told him that I want to. And I said who cares about wat my father said.. this is btwn u and me. And anyway after the ROM I will not be staying at home but will be at his house.

He does not agree.. then I said but I will do it no matter wat cos I must fulfill the promise I made to him.

When I got back home, my father just said.. if u marry him, you are throwing your life away. He said he can see that there is something wrong with our r/s now. Not like last time.. but I did not say anything. I kept quiet and I went into my room.

I am so sian.. sick and tired of life..

Getting Married

This is a shock.. But I am getting married. It is a rash and stupid move but I am the one that went ahead with it. He wanted me to promise him that I will always be with him. I do not want to make any promises as I felt promises are just paying lip service and I told him that. But after a while, he came back and asked me again about the promise. In anger, I told him why not we just register to get married. He agreed and he even sent me the link for the registration of marriage. I then logged online and submitted our names and details. I told him what I was doing.. he never stopped me. I asked him for the witnesses name and i/c, he gave me his mum's name. So it was completed.. And after that he asked me why I went and made such a rash move? I said.. you are agreeable to it also.. you supplied me with the link to ROM, you gave me your mum's name and i/c.. and now you are blaming me for a rash decision. I hate it.

He apologized and said to forget about the matter.. but my hardheadedness and my stubborness and my pride refused to let it go. I said since u wanna me to make a promise to you... well getting married to u is the best promise I can make. He said he do not want us to get married in anger.. then I said that is too bad cos you are the one that supplied me with the link and the information. And then I said I will not back out of it. He said no one will believe us as it is too soon and I said yes they will cos I will tell them of it. If not, they will believe when they see our marriage certificate. He apologized again.. but I wont accept and I am not going to accept. I am going to doom myself to this marriage. Even before it starts, I can see that it is going to be a disaster.. but I will go ahead with it.. to make sure I fulfill the promise he wanted me to make.. I don't believe in divorce so there is no escape for me..

Irreparable mistake

Made a colossal and irreparable mistake today. The consequences will be dire but since I am bent on destroying myself.. tat step look as good as any. My life now is uncontrollable and I am tinking of other ways to make myself even more worthless than now. My soul is ripe for destructions and I am trying to corrupt it in watever way I can. My heart is so hard that I cant feel pain even after I made the mistake. The mistake will undoubtably affect a lot of people especially the ones that love me the most but I cant and I wont feel sorry about it. I wish that it will all end soon and I wont have to make anymore decisions for my life. I know this sounds irresponsible but when I try to take control.. everything I do is wrong.

I am feeling sorry for myself but I dont deserve to feel sorry as I create this mess out of my own bloody weakness. I am angry.. very angry.. so angry with myself that I want to hurt myself for creating this mess..

And seriously I hate you. I really really hate you. I no longer have any affection for you except hatred. You tell me you feel pain but who cares.. certainly not me..