Rejection

I stayed over at his place on Fri nite. He got an event but it ended early so he asked me to join him for supper. So I said ok. He came to my place to fetch me and we went to Geylang for the famous frog porridge. We behaved like any couple. We held hands, we talked and we laughed. All this while, I was secretly keeping a lookout around me. This is because I know that sometimes, she likes to come to Geylang for the porridge too. He sensed my preoccupation and asked me wat's wrong. I said I'm just a bit tired as it had been a busy week. He then said let's just finish our food faster and go home rest. I know he was talking about going over to his place. It is like our habit. To stay over at his place on a weekend if the next day he do not have to report to work early.

So we finished our food, paid for it and walked to his car. I knew what would happen if I were to stay at his place. I have been kinda avoiding such situation. But it cant be avoided forever. After we reach his place, he said he would take a shower first. I said fine.. and I surfed the net waiting for my turn. After 15 minutes, he came out. He handed me my towel and I went for my shower. Inside I was really dreading the moment. I knew that I cannot avoid it.. I cant give him That reason as an excuse as it is not the time yet. So I really took my time in the showers. When I came out, he has turned off the light and appeared to be sleeping. I was relieved.

As I laid next to him, preparing for sleep, he turned to me and started to kiss me. I kissed him back but as he initiated for more.. I froze.. and then I told him that I am really tired and that I have got no mood for that. He was surprised. I know he would be as we have always been sexually compatible. He looked at me and asked me gently if I am sick or that I am falling ill.. I shook my head. I did not trust my voice. He then stroke my hair and said it's ok.. he is a bit tired too.. and told me to go to sleep. He then wrapped me in his arms and stroke me to sleep.

The morning I woke up, he was gone. He had left for work. However, he msged me that he brought me breakfast before he went to work and he placed it on the kitchen table. It is my favourite, Nasi Lemak.

Depart from Here

A thought to ponder on...


Maybe I should leave Singapore and go overseas to further my studies..

To get away from this place. I don't tink I deserve to be with anyone. I tink I ought to be alone until I can straighten out the things I want in a partner. Staying in Singapore will only make me stressed and confused.

The punishment for myself - to be alone in a new place without any of my loved ones...

Back again...

I actually wanted to abandon this blog. I thought over wat some of my readers said about revealing my personal life on the Internet and the outcome if someone who knew me read about it. But things happened and I got no one to talk to about it.. I feel so bad inside.. and here I am..

I went out with her friends last Sat nite and we went to one of the local happening pubs. And we were all having a good time. Then one group of girls walked past us and one of them spotted and approached her. I was standing next to her but I didn't think much of it. Then later when she moved off, one of her friends told me that the girl was her ex-gf. I was surprised.. the girl is very pretty. She got a very Eurasian look. Large expressive eyes, fair skin, small face and a slim, curveous body. It turns out that she is really an Eurasian. Because after that I asked her about her ex. She never tell me that she was her ex. I only asked her who is that girl? She said that was her Sec Sch fren and that they were very good friends last time. I asked her if she is an Eurasian and she said yes. Then she said that the girl went overseas to study after her O's and that she has only just recently came back. And that this is the first time they met after they finished school.

Apparently, that was the reason they broke up (Her gossipy clueless fren told me). That her ex got to go overseas for her studies. And I am jealous and I am scared. Now that her ex is back, will she go back to her? They have a history together and they were happy together. It is the circumstances that push them apart and now that the problem is no longer around, will they get back together? She is so much more prettier than me and she has a better figure than me. I cannot win her in those departments.

She still has not told me about her relationship with that girl. But it seems like they are catching up with one another. I saw her msning with her just yesterday. And her nick is: Catching up on time lost.

Unfaithful by Rihanna

Unfaithful by Rihanna

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company

He's more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true

and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be... a murderer

I feel it in the air as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know where I'm about to go
and we know it very well

cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be... a murderer

our love
His trust
I might as well take a gun
and put it to his head
Get it over with

I don't wanna do this
Anymore ( anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be... a murderer (a murderer)

In Bed Together

I know I should not do it but I did it.

We met up today. She called me and ask me if I wanna go over to her place. It was late in the afternoon and I was feeling lazy and bored. I was aching for some company but all my good frens were hanging out with their bfs. So in desperation, I said ok. Actually thinking of it now, it is not an act of desperation. I think desperation for human companionship is merely an excuse for me to meet up with her. I miss her too. She will msg me intermittently throughout the week but I just reply her with a short msg. I was kind of discouraging her from sending messages to me. But she is persistent. And I do miss the contact with her too.

So that is why I said yes to going over to her place. I went over to her place a few times. Her parents knew me. They know we are good frens and they will let us be when we hang out together. We will watch movies or play Playstation together when hanging out at her house. Or simply just chat and get to know each other better.

Today we lay in bed and we just hugged each other.. we hugged each other to sleep. It is as if we are making up for the lost time during the last few days when we did not meet each other. Like holding on to the moment and not wanting it to be lost. Like making sure both of us still care and have feelings for each other. My thought are filled with her when I am with her.. why is that? What about him?

Lonely

I have not been meeting her these few days as I felt I need to clear things up with bf before I am in the right mood and mind to meet her. I tink most of my readers would agree with me on this. However, right now I feel lonely. I want to talk to somebody but there is none that I can talk to. I miss her voice and I miss his touch.

It is easy to make a decision but it is hard to follow it through. Giving up one party will be fairer to all three of us but that party would be really hurt by it. It would be difficult for me to explain to the person of what is really going on and the reason for the split will sound pretty filmsy and weak. If I say we are not compatible, it is not true looking at those times we had been together. If I say I do not love the person anymore, it is not true as we have always been very loving and close to each other. If I say I cannot imagine having a future with the person, it is not true as we have always told ourselves to live only in the present.

Loneliness is when you have loved ones but you cannot tell them what you really feel deep down in your heart as you are afraid that once they know it, they will leave you.

Friends

I did not let any of my closest friends know about her. They are very open minded people and I know they love me so I am not afraid that they will reject me. The thing is that they know my bf as well and I do not want them to view my bf as a pitiful object. Being that I am betraying him with another person. Sometimes we will go out in a group and I do not want them to look down on my bf. I know they would not let anything slip as they are very good at keeping secrets. But it is their opinion of my bf that matters to me.

Which is why this blog is the only place that allows me to write down of what is happening in my life and that it is a place where I can try to sort out my thoughts and feelings. A place tat chronicle the tough and uneven path that I am walking on.. Ya, I know Gayle and some of the other readers think that it is not a good way to write of the happenings as exposure will cause trerrible hurt and pain to the people concerned. I am taking very careful steps to make sure that names are not mentioned and as well as other personal data. My real name is something that is closely similar to Cleoie.. and it wont be revealed here.

I do take some of the readers' advice, comments and concerns into consideration. I will take them just like if someone of my close knit spoke to me about it. In another way, readers are my online friends.. just that we have not met, talked or made contact at all.. and we are not likely to..

I am thinking of introducing her to my friends. However, I would just tell them that we are just friends. Am still thinking about it. Most of the time, we have been hanging out with her friends but I have this secret urge to "show her off" to my friends. I dunno la.. let me think about this some more..

The SMS

This morning just before he left Singapore for his work.. he sent me the following sms:

I know you have been unhappy these few months. I just want to be with the Cleoie that love me with all her heart, care for me and enjoy my company. However, it does not seem possible now. The more I try to make this relationship work in my way, the more it backfires. Just too stubborn to accept that you have changed and you cant change back. I have this fear that when I return, I will lose you. I know I am selfish for letting you bear the hurt and pain but I am suffering too. I love you still. Take care when I am not around. Wait for me.. we will settle this when I get back.

I was crying by the time I finish reading this message. Crying becos he is not the type to say things like these. Crying because I did not get a chance to reconcile with him before he left. Crying because I already miss him. Crying because I love him still..

Young and Old

I realised one reason I am attracted to her is that she is young, fun-loving and carefree. She knows how to enjoy herself and she has not been harden by the cruel and tough world. Going out with her is like being caressed by a refreshing breeze, cool and light. She does not complain much and she is always smiling and positive. She is always ready to listen to my grumblings and she will help me get over my grouchy mood faster than anyone. Is that the benefit of youth? The ability to see more lightness than darkness in this world? The ability to see more good than bad compared to the cynical older people who has been hurt countless times. The way she convinced me of trying out a new dish or the way she react when told of a funny joke just make me smile.

I had always worshipped him. He is always aware of what is happening in the world. He knows the workings of the working world. He knows how to handle a bad client, a tyrant boss and a backstabbing colleague. He taught me ways to protect myself when faced with those people in my work. He also taught me ways to solve and handle problems while working. He taught me ways of the world. He taught me distrust.. he would tell me things that men will do to get women into bed. He said in his industry, he has seen a lot of such things. Even the most innocent looking guy should be viewed with suspicion. Since he started work when he is very young, he is also very street smart. And that is another thing I admired about him.

Both with vastly different characters and both attracts me.

Sick!

Have been sick these past few days tat's why I did not post anything. Sick physically and emotionally.

I caught a flu bug from someone and there I was.. laying in bed, feelings aches and pains in parts of my body. Like I have done some vigerous sports after years of inactivity. So I had 2 days of MC and half of the time I will be lying in front of the television watching repeated shows on SCV and the other half, sleeping. My mum prepared those easily digestable food for me like porriage and fish soup. I like the feeling of being taken care of. It is such a heartwarming thing. Now that we are adults, seldom do we receive such treatment from our parents. So this is rare and precious.. mums are really special beings..

I caught a viral bug from someone and there I was.. having a heated quarrel with bf and being so angry I threw up the words "let's break". He got quiet. He asked me why did I say that. I said we have been having so many problems lately and that I am suffering so much. I said that I just want the pain and anger to go away. He then asked me if it is for real? He even called my pet name, Cici, and asked me not to be rash. I said why not? We did not even take time to solve watever probs we have. And that he is always busy with his work. He is going overseas next week for some event and he wont be able to meet me for 1 week plus. I said I am tired of always being the one asking him when will he be free to meet me? And when will he call me? He is always the more laidback and more bo chap one. Thus I am tired of giving. Always giving and the returns are slow. I cried halfway and I told him I am not feeling well and I do not want to make myself worse. He did not even know that I am sick.. that is how little we communicate and he did not offer to come see me.. cos I know that nite he has an important function going on.

That is why I am in pain.. heart pain. No medicine can heal tat..