Father's Disapproval

Told my dad about the ROM.. he did not approve. He started saying things like how we should wait and that we should have more savings then we get married.

I sent my bf down and he told me we should not go ahead but stubborn me told him that I want to. And I said who cares about wat my father said.. this is btwn u and me. And anyway after the ROM I will not be staying at home but will be at his house.

He does not agree.. then I said but I will do it no matter wat cos I must fulfill the promise I made to him.

When I got back home, my father just said.. if u marry him, you are throwing your life away. He said he can see that there is something wrong with our r/s now. Not like last time.. but I did not say anything. I kept quiet and I went into my room.

I am so sian.. sick and tired of life..

Getting Married

This is a shock.. But I am getting married. It is a rash and stupid move but I am the one that went ahead with it. He wanted me to promise him that I will always be with him. I do not want to make any promises as I felt promises are just paying lip service and I told him that. But after a while, he came back and asked me again about the promise. In anger, I told him why not we just register to get married. He agreed and he even sent me the link for the registration of marriage. I then logged online and submitted our names and details. I told him what I was doing.. he never stopped me. I asked him for the witnesses name and i/c, he gave me his mum's name. So it was completed.. And after that he asked me why I went and made such a rash move? I said.. you are agreeable to it also.. you supplied me with the link to ROM, you gave me your mum's name and i/c.. and now you are blaming me for a rash decision. I hate it.

He apologized and said to forget about the matter.. but my hardheadedness and my stubborness and my pride refused to let it go. I said since u wanna me to make a promise to you... well getting married to u is the best promise I can make. He said he do not want us to get married in anger.. then I said that is too bad cos you are the one that supplied me with the link and the information. And then I said I will not back out of it. He said no one will believe us as it is too soon and I said yes they will cos I will tell them of it. If not, they will believe when they see our marriage certificate. He apologized again.. but I wont accept and I am not going to accept. I am going to doom myself to this marriage. Even before it starts, I can see that it is going to be a disaster.. but I will go ahead with it.. to make sure I fulfill the promise he wanted me to make.. I don't believe in divorce so there is no escape for me..

Irreparable mistake

Made a colossal and irreparable mistake today. The consequences will be dire but since I am bent on destroying myself.. tat step look as good as any. My life now is uncontrollable and I am tinking of other ways to make myself even more worthless than now. My soul is ripe for destructions and I am trying to corrupt it in watever way I can. My heart is so hard that I cant feel pain even after I made the mistake. The mistake will undoubtably affect a lot of people especially the ones that love me the most but I cant and I wont feel sorry about it. I wish that it will all end soon and I wont have to make anymore decisions for my life. I know this sounds irresponsible but when I try to take control.. everything I do is wrong.

I am feeling sorry for myself but I dont deserve to feel sorry as I create this mess out of my own bloody weakness. I am angry.. very angry.. so angry with myself that I want to hurt myself for creating this mess..

And seriously I hate you. I really really hate you. I no longer have any affection for you except hatred. You tell me you feel pain but who cares.. certainly not me..