Stubborn

When a person is bent on destruction.. and when a person is very stubborn.. I tink wreckage can be expected.

This happens when one lose self-worth in oneself and that the person feels that one is unredeemable. To simply just die or disappear is not as torturous as doing the things that you know is wrong but you do it over and over again to prove something to someone. This is also to punish oneself for the wrong deed. It is a vicious cycle.. You do something wrong and to punish yourself.. you do it again..

I lost both of them. He is still with me physically but my feelings for him is so different now. I am not loving him as much as before. Is it because I know he needs me more than I need him so I love him less? Or is it because I know that I will always be second place in his heart and that work always come first? Or is it because I know that one part of my heart resides someone else?

She is no longer with me physically but my feelings for her is still there. She is now back with her ex. I have come to realise that I am also just a replacement for her ex. That from the very beginning, she does not love as much as her ex. I am just temporary in her life as they are in the midst of their lovers feud. Another second place position.

Am I so unlovable that I cannot be in the first place position with anyone? That so very fast, people will get tired of me.. that they will find something else or someone to replace me? That I am so uninteresting that people get bored easily? This is not improving my self-esteem at all.. I seem to have none now..

How to stop?

How does one stop oneself from heading towards destruction? When you know wat you are doing is wrong but then you continue doing it.. You know this behavious is harming you but your stubborness do not want to let it go. How to admit that this is a wrong decision and this is a bad move?

You tell your fren about it and she asked you to stop it but becos of what you have promised the person.. you continue doing it. You wan to prove to the person that you can do what you have promised. Even though it is destroying yourself and making you hate the person you had become. Can you blame the person you made the promise to? No.. becos it is my own willfulness that cause me to make the promise. If only I hung on to my own principles and thinking.. If only I am not weak then.. If only there is some other choice for me to choose. It is my own fault. Now I cannot tell anyone.. I do not want my fren to worry..

Being made used of.. is such a lousy feeling.. even though in the beginning you know that. Being just a substitute is making me feel shitty. It makes me feel that I am not good enough.. that no one will truly appreciate me for wat I am.. that I am just a shadow of somebody.. that I am not attractive enough to be the first choice.. only the second choice.. When will I become my first choice's first choice? Cos what's the point of being the first choice of someone that you do not love?

To smile is such an effort nowadays.. if only I can sleep and dream forever.. the world is too harsh, too hard, too selfish.. who is real anymore?

Despised

The amount of hatred that I have for him is only lesser than the hatred I have for myself.


I am extremely disappointed and angry at myself for becoming like this. There is no turning back. I despise myself.