Marriage Preparation

We are in the midst of preparing for the marriage.. he is preparing for it happily, I am preparing for it like I am happy. I ought to be happy as it is a once in a lifetime thing. I have to be happy because it is my choice, my decision. I must be happy because I do not want to spoil this for him.

The date has been set and both our parents know about it. Our closest frens knew about it too. Most gave us their blessings but my best fren scolded me. She knows about wat is going on and she is furious that I am throwing my life away. She said I am still young and there are still lots of good guys out there. And wat's more I am not even sure of my own sexuality and here I am.. tying myself to a guy.. and not even one that I have a lot of feelings for.

She said it is a convenience for me.. to be with him as we have been together for so long. But convenience is not love. How long can I be with him? Until I fall in love with someone else. Then I will have to get rid of this convenience. I told her that i will seclude myself and protect my heart from getting into tat kind of situation. I wont socialise much, I wont allow myself to be vulnerable and I wont open my heart to anyone else. That way, I can live with him and be his dutiful wife.

What's the point? The person I love is not with me. What I have is a person that love me. I can live with tat.

Dreaming of you

I had a dream of you last nite. We were out together just like old times. It was late at night in my dream and we were walking under a void deck. There was no one about and it was quiet and intimate. And in the next moment, I was against one of the wall and we were kissing. It was not a forceful kiss, it was not a demanding kiss, it was not a rough kiss. It was a gentle kiss, it was a kiss that says "I miss you", it was a kiss that spoke of our special relationship, it was a kiss that made me fall a little bit more in love with you.

After that I woke up, I had a mad impulse to msg you and tell you that I miss you. But I know you would not reply as we are no longer together and you might be in her arms. I so very much want that to be a reality and it just seems so real and I want to be with you again just like last time. But it wont be like before. Once the moment is over, it cannot be brought back. Both of us has changed and the intimacy is lost.

How is it that you can leave me after we had shared so much? How come you can be so callous as to sit back and watch me walk away with my heart in your hands? We had embraced, kissed, touched and made love. How can you bear to let me go? You told me last time that what we had were special. Is it a lie? If yes, then why did you let me fall so hard? If no, then why are we lost to each other now?